Ahh! My Space Heart
by Bambi SP
Summary: The guys are hiding out in a nondescript small Midwestern town in the former United States. What could possibly go wrong? Slap an AU or an OOC on this if you need to. My attempt to deal with the bad clichés and discrepancies I noticed in the fics.


Ahh! My Space Heart  
by Bambi SP  
  
Dedicated to the rest of the SP: Melanie, Cindy, Candi, but mostly Heather, because let's face it, this is all her fault!  
  
Note: Are there supposed to be plots in these things? I didn't know . . .  
  
No Pairings, zip, nadda, none, nil and then some. Until this fic is over, there is no such thing as relationships as far as I'm concerned. Any interactions are completely platonic and if you see anything different, it's your own fault.  
  
Flames are only welcomed if they come in the form of a 'Venus Love Me Chain' or something like that.  
  
No chipmunks were harmed during the writing of this fic (that was my inspirational activity beforehand).  
  
Disclaimer: The fact that I have written the word 'disclaimer' should clue you into the fact I own none of this. But in the year 2020, when I take over the world, that last sentence will be null and void.  
  
~GW~  
  
Duo Maxwell ran for his life.  
  
There was nothing new or exotic about that fact though.  
  
His path took him over the couch, around the mink vase and through a swinging door that fluttered open and closed after he charged through it. His destination would've been a wall had he not captured the banister with his right hand and managed to torque his body toward the side door. His braid regained it's rhythmic beating against his back as his course straightened. The roped hair did not skip a beat until he had secured himself in the garage with his body plastered against the door for support. His ragged breath filled the air for a moment, followed by a devilish grin.  
  
None of the other pilots would see that as unusual either.  
  
That moment of triumph had to be quickly squashed as the black clad boy knew that his assailant would not relent for another hour or so. With as much dignity as he ever had, Duo plopped down in the back of the stuffy SUV. The lack of breathable oxygen didn't bother him. His prize was clutched tightly between his slim fingers and he almost reverently kissed it. Maybe he deserved the rant and death Chang Wufei would provide when the Chinese boy found him, but it would be worth it. Slipping the recorder with his other valuables, Duo began to fuss with his braid. Patience not being his strong suit, his hair was tied in a series of topknots, then returned to his usual style before a quarter of an hour was completed. Still utterly bored, the teen curled up in a ball and fell into an almost quiet slumber.  
  
That was the last normal thing in Shinigami's day.  
  
~GW~  
  
Quatre Raberba Winner had finally escaped. Not that there was much to escape to, but any chance to get away from that estate would seem like heaven. There had been no missions for a while, and the ones they had received earlier had been pointless.  
  
Things around the mansion needed a change of pace. Any casual observer could've noticed this because it was beautifully represented by Wufei's now platinum blond hair. Unfortunately, Wufei had failed to see the humor in Duo's escapade and had busied himself carving a head stone for the prankster. The natural blond had happily grabbed the keys, only stopping on his way out to steady the door which had been flapping on frictionless hinges for over an hour. Let everyone else deal with the mess for once.  
  
The SUV had agreeably purred to life before Quatre backed it out of the garage. He had made a mental note to get the car checked out for the strange gurgling noise, but since it stopped after five minutes, he pushed the thought to the back of his mind. His destination all planned out, Quatre looked forward to a simple afternoon alone.  
  
~GW~  
  
It took him a minute to realize where he was and why his cramped bed was moving, but Duo thought the minute had been worth wasting when he found his answers. Well, maybe he felt guilty about wasting a whole sixty seconds, but the first twenty-seven had definitely been worth the cost.  
  
Quatre was driving . . . somewhere, blasting Cake through his car speakers. Luckily for him, Duo's slight chuckle was softer than his snoring and it was lost somewhere in the choruses of "go to hell." The self proclaimed god of death had already assumed Quatre would end up going clothes shopping and decided his friend could use some expert help in that department. Maybe something black . . . or green. After all, it always was the quiet ones.  
  
The ends of his braid made a good snack as Duo reviewed his strategy. Quatre might not agree to going shopping with him when there was a choice to just turn the car around. But if could wait until Quatre was already in the mall, Duo knew the Arab would have to let him tag along. And that meant that he could get his friend to buy the entire mall if Duo wanted to.  
  
The plotting halted off when the SUV pulled into a parking spot and the engine was cut. Duo could barely sit still when the car rocked with the slamming of the driver's door. His muscled jolted to life after he followed Quatre's lead and slid out of the car. Stretching, the American was surprised to find he was not standing in front of a mall, but a small dojo. Dazed, he followed the other pilot inside.  
  
"Hello, my name is Wanda and I married a psychopath. How can I help you today?"  
  
Duo blinked at the receptionist. He was too bewildered already to puzzle over her strange greeting. "Um, I think my friend just came in here a second ago. Pale, blond hair-"  
  
"Oh, you mean Mas- er, Quatre?"  
  
Duo could only nod his confirmation.  
  
"I didn't realize he had invited his friends along with him for once. You can find him down that hall, second door on your left."  
  
Mumbling his thanks, Duo followed the hallway that had been pointed out to him. It sorta made sense to find Quatre here. With everything that had just happened in the past year, maybe the teen needed something outside the other pilots to keep him grounded. But that didn't excuse Quatre from not telling his best friend.  
  
When the door finally loomed before him, Duo briefly considered going back and questioning Wanda. It wouldn't do him any good if he burst into the room with false accusations. But deciding that one encounter with the receptionist was enough, Duo tried the handle to find it was locked. Not that that was a problem.  
  
Digging around in his hair, Duo pushed past his gun, an open bag of Skittles, a picture of his goldfish, a first aid kit and his extra stick of deodorant, to grasp his lock picks. A blink of an eye later, the door crept freely forward. But when Duo attempted to restore his lock picks in his hair, he knocked the bag of Skittles from their perch, sending them scattering. Swearing under his breath, he was forced to recapture his precious stash. He bent over to pick up the red Skittle near his foot just as the door lightly bounced forwards from the back wall. Something whizzed past his ear where his head had been seconds ago. Glancing around, he failed to find the source of the noise and continued his mission. He only paused once to briefly wonder at the ink pen lodged in the wall behind him.  
  
~GW~  
  
Slipping a yellow candy past his lips, Duo skipped into the room. White sheets hid everything from his view, casting bizarre shapes that sparked his curiosity. He was about to unveil the shape nearest to him when he locked onto Quatre's eyes. Completely forgetting his line of questioning, Duo gaped at his friend who was nervously rocking back on his heals.  
  
"Um, Duo . . ."  
  
"Whatcha doing here Q?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Then why does the chick who married the psychopath know who you are?"  
  
"Well, um, see . . . my family's rich . . . and, uh, we own stuff . . . and I need to . . . um, check up on stuff . . . and so I'm here . . . as are you . . . certainly?"  
  
Duo quickly scrutinized the blonde. Shifting eyes, narrow pupils, obvious information, long pauses: yep, Quatre was lying. This could be interesting. "Wow, cool! You never said you owned a dojo! C'mon, take me for a tour!"  
  
"I'd *love* to, but we really should be getting back to the estate though. Who knows what property damage has already been caused and-"  
  
Duo shifted away from Quatre's nudging and ran over to a sheeted table. "Don't worry about it. Hey, if your house has lasted this long with me in it, I'm sure it can survive the Apocalypse. What's under here?"  
  
Before a reply could be formed, the covering was thrown backwards. The braided boy's eyes lit up as he beheld the daggers that lay before him. Picking up one with an "L" shaped scabbard and an intricate hilt, Duo shoved it under the blond's nose. "What's this?"  
  
"It's an Arab Jambiya. Be careful."  
  
" 'Kay." The dagger was plunked back to it's resting spot. Another sheet was added to the first one on the floor. Greedy eyes sped past the Sai and the Tanto to rest on the Kama. "All right! Shinigami would rule with these!"  
  
Duo pouted when the weapons were removed from his hands. "Maybe some other time. But now we should-"  
  
"You have throwing stars?! These are so cool!"  
  
"Yes, but-"  
  
"No 'buts.' Now, Q, you're going to get to see death in action today."  
  
"Think about what you just said Duo."  
  
Without a second thought towards his friend, Duo set about finding a target. Finally deciding on a wooden post, the teen took great care aiming. Before he threw, he made the mistake of looking towards Quatre's worried face. Something was not right. Thinking for only a minute, Duo knew what had to be wrong.  
  
He didn't have a blindfold.  
  
The sheets were to bulky to tie across his eyes and he was not carrying anything that could easily be converted. Never one to give up easily, Duo realized the answer was behind him all along. Taking great care not to injure his braid, Duo blindfolded himself with his hair. When he was completely satisfied with the darkness that surrounded him, Duo moved to throw. But in his excitement, he had forgotten about the bag of Skittles that relied on his braid to hold them. He twisted to catch the bag the same time he released the star. It was only after the braid fell from one eye and he found himself facing the wrong way that Duo realized his mistake. He hadn't heard anything break or any screams of pain, but still . . .  
  
Duo slowly pivoted to find Quatre staring intensely at his own feet and blocking Duo's view of the post.  
  
"Um," Duo guiltily started. "Are you all right, Q?"  
  
Quatre's voice was low, and he never bothered to look up. "Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"Er, no reason. So, did I hit the post?"  
  
Quatre's eyes grew wide at this and he only stepped to the side. Duo could clearly see a glint from something metal sticking out from the wood. "So I hit it?"  
  
"So you see anyone else here who could?"  
  
Duo could've sworn he heard a slightly bitter note to Quatre's voice, but he quickly shook it off with an idea to help his friend. "Hey, let's go shopping!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"But, Quatre, it'll be fun. Just you, and me, and the Winner fortune at our disposal."  
  
"I'd have to be crazy to go with you."  
  
"Well, I hope you like straight jackets, cause we're going."  
  
"And how are you getting us there?" Quatre blinked when Duo dangled the car keys in front of his eyes. "My keys, how did you-"  
  
"That's not important. What's important is that we go out and be normal for a while. Maybe pick up a hot date or two while we're at it."  
  
"You are quite evil, you know that?"  
  
"Yep, and Q? Next time you come here, maybe you should hire a more stable receptionist. I mean, it's nice to have pens handy and all, but does she really need to lodge them in the wall?"  
  
~GW~  
  
"I still can't believe I let you drive."  
  
"Neither can I."  
  
"Can I at least change the radio station?"  
  
"What's wrong with NIN?"  
  
"Nothing, except they totally sold out on this song. Star *Suckers?* It's a bluntly obvious method to capitalize on the young market through socially acceptable words, even though the negative connotations are still evident."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"It's a cheep knockoff of their original song that they created so it could be played on MTV."  
  
"Wow, Q, I didn't know you cared. But don't worry about it. They haven't tried to reanimate any music groups since that Eminem Incident and MTV was shut down as soon as the authorities found out it was a front for the Canadians."  
  
"Not that it changed much in the end."  
  
"Yeah, no one saw that coming."  
  
"Um, Duo?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Have you noticed anything funny about this street?"  
  
"Like?"  
  
"Like it's one way and we happen to be going the *wrong* way?"  
  
"Right. I thought that the cars were parked funny. No worries, Q. I'll just turn down the next street and we'll be out of this mess."  
  
"You do realize this is a highway ramp."  
  
"Oops."  
  
"You have driven on the highway before, right?"  
  
"Well, it's not like we haven't been in worse danger before."  
  
"Yeah, but then we were dealing with Oz, not truck drivers."  
  
"Oops."  
  
~GW~  
  
"See, I told you I could drive to the mall."  
  
"Yes, but this one happens to be in an entirely different state."  
  
"Don't let the details bog you down. It's not like it could be helped."  
  
"Well, since you didn't drive up a tree, I guess you were okay. Except for the part where you had to join in the police chase."  
  
"It was just like the days when Ah use ta go out into a dinghy at night with a spotlight and locate shonky pollies. As soon as Ah saw that car Ah thought 'Crickey, she's a 'beaute.' She was lookin' for a barney and she was mad as a cut snake. All that car wanted was ta be left alone, so Ah had ta chase it. Ah tell ya mate, she was a real ripper!"  
  
"That's it. No more Croc Hunter marathons for you."  
  
"Not bloody likely. Ah'll stop when ya can get through one Kids in the Hall sketch without laughing."  
  
"Humph, remind me not to hire you as a negotiator."  
  
"Is it my fault you have an addiction? Besides, don't worry about the distance. I'm sure you have a private jet stashed somewhere around here we can use."  
  
"What gave you that idea?"  
  
"Well, recently we've just been staying at your mansions. You have stuff stashed everywhere."  
  
"But it's never bothered you that I *always* have a mansion wherever we go?"  
  
"Nah, you're rich after all."  
  
"Thanks for reminding me. I can't believe you never questioned the mansions."  
  
"Should we have?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it's too convenient for words!"  
  
"Then how-"  
  
"They're not real! I mean, there are some real ones, but to have them *everywhere,* c'mon!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I figure out where we're going, and send someone ahead to set it up. You can buy the mansions pre-furnished down at Wal-Mart for 611.00 yen. Just blow it up and instant safe house."  
  
"So it doesn't bother you when we destroy them?"  
  
"Of course it does, it's not the money that I care about, just the fact that I do something nice and you barely acknowledge it."  
  
"Why do you do it then?"  
  
"It seemed like the polite thing to do. Stupid morals instilled in me at an early age."  
  
"You seem to have gotten over those real fast."  
  
"Hey, that's mean!"  
  
"But so true. You see, Q, it's called 'rationalization.' It's the way your ego deals with those morals of the superego and the bloodthirsty passions of the id. If you give yourself some virtuous cause to fight for, you can temporarily live with the killings."  
  
"Uh-huh, and since when did you become a follower of Freud?"  
  
"How could you not believe a guy who thought all your problems stemmed from not getting any?"  
  
"I think your explanation fails to take into consideration the social culture of the time. People were feeling sexually repressed at the time. His theories were based on the limited interactions he had with his problematic patients. Most of his ideas were discredited before the century was over."  
  
"You have your interpretations, I have mine."  
  
"So then what do you suffer from? Repression? Projection? Sublimation probably not. Definitely regression."  
  
"I don't have to worry about feeling remorse, I'm Shinigami."  
  
"Definitely regression. Here's a tip, Duo: Get over it."  
  
"But I kill everyone I love and anyone who's foolish enough to love me. And that includes my goldfish. I miss Bartleby and Loki."  
  
"They're in a better place now. And it's not your fault that Relena decided she should care for them while you were out on a mission. Now there's someone who deserves the name 'death'."  
  
"She stole my goldfish, but she certainly isn't going to get my name."  
  
"How'd you come up with that anyway? Wouldn't it have been more significant if your name had something to do with your heritage?"  
  
"Death is my heritage . . . Besides, it rolls off the tongue really cool. Not that you can complain since we are in the former United States and you are paying in Yen."  
  
"Huh, that is strange. Oh well, let's just ignore the discrepancies like we usually do."  
  
"Right. Besides, we have more important things to worry about, like the fact that the vintage store is already closed."  
  
"Come to think of it, even with all the people around, I haven't seen anyone go inside or come out a store yet."  
  
"But it's only a little past five."   
  
"We didn't cross a time zone, did we?"  
  
A feminine laugh interrupted their conversation. "I see you guys have never gone shopping in a small, Midwestern town before, otherwise you would know about the lock down."  
  
Duo and Quatre turned towards where the teenager was sitting behind the register of a corner flower stand. Her sandy blond hair was held back by a bandanna and her face was lit up with an amused smile that was pleasant to look at.  
  
"The lock down?"  
  
The girl rolled her eyes. "Yeah, just some old tradition that is in all small town ordinances for no other reason than to be extremely annoying. I'm Melissa, by the way, but everyone calls me Mel." Hopping off her stool, she brushed her jeans off and adjusted her glasses before sliding up to the pilots.  
  
"Please to meet you. I'm Quatre and this is my friend Duo."  
  
"Wow, I love it when people are named after numbers! And I love the braid. I used to have hair that long until my friend 'convinced' me to cut it, but that's a different story. You really should come back tomorrow, this town isn't as bad as it seems now. True, if there was a fire, by the time there was the first siren everything would be burnt down, but we have some good points. There's a Dairy Queen on every corner and there's one of the best pet stores left."  
  
"I can get more goldfish!"  
  
"Along with anything else you could think of. So, what brings you here?"  
  
"We were just passing through, thought we would grab something to eat."  
  
"Well, the pizza is good, but steer clear of anything claiming to be Chinese. Not that you'll find anything this late, but if you want to come with me after my shift we can get something with my friends and watch Daria episodes."  
  
"Thanks, but we probably need to get going soon."  
  
"Well, I'm supposed to be here a bit longer, but we can leave now. This is only a temporary job until I can get the rest of my funding passed. My goal is to build a utopia where bugs and humans can coexist peacefully."  
  
"Such a . . . lovely dream."  
  
"I'm sorry to ask this, but you guys aren't wanted terrorists or something, are you?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I was just wondering if you were the reason we are being surrounded by random ninjas, or if they're just mad at me again."  
  
"I think we'll take the blame for this one."  
  
"You said 'again.' Does this sort of thing happen often?"  
  
"Only when I chase after the missionaries. But if you think they are after you this time . . ."  
  
"Don't mention it. It's our fault most of the time."  
  
"Well, that's too bad; you guys seem so sweet. I don't want to seem rude, but if you don't mind now I think I'll pass out from the gas emitting from the pellet that exploded at my feet."  
  
"That sounds like fun, I think I'll join you. How about you, Q?"  
  
"No thanks. I think I'll just refrain from breathing, if it's all the same to you."  
  
"S'cool. Just sorta try to break our falls, okay?"  
  
~GW~  
  
Duo felt like a biology diagram. He knew exactly where every muscle was located in his body by the way their obstreperous screams dragged him towards consciousness. Slowly his mind began to sort through the events that landed him here. He only hoped that Quatre felt better than he did.  
  
While trying to maintain the illusion of sleep, he searched the room with his senses. Satisfied with believing he was alone, Duo's impatience won out. A slit of dim light broke through his eyelids. Flinching, Duo found the ability to move his head greatly impaired. Calmly, he drew his arms and legs out, only to find that his sides were boxed in.  
  
But there was something strange about the walls.  
  
Something at the back of his mind.  
  
Something to do with the familiar texture of the material making up his boundaries.  
  
Groaning in realization, Duo dramatically swung his arms to the side and hoisted himself into a sitting position. After all the nights of sleeping wherever there was a square foot of space, it was unfair now to feel like he had been flattened by a billboard from a couple hours in a SUV. Of course, he didn't know if it had only been a couple of hours. The clock said it was almost seven, so if he had been knocked out about five . . .  
  
Knocked out?  
  
By random ninjas?  
  
This screamed dream sequence.  
  
He hated dream sequences. They got dull after the first few times  
  
He could find no signs that anyone had been in the car with him and Quatre would never just leave him in the car by himself after something like that. Besides, there was something he remembered on the edge of the dream, just before he finally 'blacked out.' It was fuzzy, but he knew it had to do with Quatre and rose petals.  
  
That was just disturbing.  
  
Besides, only his diluted mind could think up someone like Wanda.  
  
As he scuffled over to the garage door, Duo came to two conclusions: He was swearing off badly dubbed over Jackie Chan movies and he would forever worship the first person who offered him food. After flipping the garage light off and shutting the door, Duo walked straight into the chest of Heero Yuy.  
  
"Hey Heero! Did ya miss me?"  
  
". . ."  
  
"Right, I forgot about alien embryo implanted in your throat that prevents you from talking."  
  
". . . Not funny."  
  
"He speaks. It's a miracle!"  
  
"Dinner, now, let's go."  
  
"So seriously, what happened today?"  
  
"Well, for starters we played a couple games of fox and geese, then moved onto corner checkers. During snake eyes Trowa couldn't even get a score on the board and Wufei spent half the day trying convince Quatre to dye his hair black with bubble gum pink highlights. Quatre refused, but when Wufei kept bugging him, Quatre was reduced to threatening to cut Wufei's hair in something worse than a mullet."  
  
"What!"  
  
"I know, there isn't much worse than a mullet, but I think he was going to copy off of Kevin Sorbo's hair. Anyway, that shut Wufei up real fast as you can imagine-"  
  
"Heero, shut up for a second. Why did Quatre refuse?"  
  
"Do I look like I gossip? But I have to know, do you think my shorts make my hips look big?"  
  
"Oh-kay. Where is Quatre?"  
  
"The kitchen. Trowa swore to me it was okay to wear green and spandex all the time but-"  
  
Duo's feet mercifully took him towards the kitchen before Heero could finish he thought. It was always disquieting when one of his fellow pilots would fall so out of character. The symptoms started a while back, about the same time they all started to hang out together between missions. Sometimes he would blackout and remember something about talking to obnoxious voices or cross dressing – those 'dreams' were best if forgotten.  
  
"Q, how could you?!"  
  
"There you are, Duo. Mind giving me a hand?" Quatre smiled over at his friend as he shoved a serving dish for the corn into Duo's hand.  
  
"What's wrong with Wufei's hair?"  
  
"Last I checked it was blond. But you did that."  
  
"Yes, that's what's wrong! Why didn't you dye it pink or really cut it or-"  
  
"Maybe I'm not a mean, vindictive person like someone else in this room."  
  
"Hey, I'm not mean!"  
  
"I distinctly remember a time where you locked me out of my room and wouldn't let me in until I threatened you."  
  
"That wasn't mean! I was trying to let you get in touch with your pent-up anger issues." Duo was rewarded with a spoonful of mashed potatoes heading for his face. He ducked and grinned. "See, that's I'm talking about."  
  
Quatre huffed and turned his back to Duo in mock anger. Duo was going to take the opportunity to dump the corn down Quatre's shirt, but something small and red stuck under the back of Quatre's vest stopped him. Tickling the blonde with right hand, Duo slyly snatched the red object as Quatre crumpled to the ground in his failed escape attempt. Duo didn't relent until he had analyzed the rose petal. But that meant . . .  
  
The American helped the red-faced giggling boy up. "So, Q, I was wondering why the house never deflated when I poke a pin in the wall."  
  
"Um, it has to do with alloys and compositions and things with ... molecular structures -- oh, so you do remember."  
  
"Yes, but I don't see why you tried to hide it."  
  
"I messed up big time and I just kinda hoped-"  
  
"So I learned about Wanda and you learned how I drive on the highway. No harm done. But how did we get back?"  
  
"Er -- the guys will be upset if we make them wait any longer. Grab something will you?"  
  
Quatre scurried out the room before Duo could stop him. He grabbed the few remaining dishes and followed the other pilot through the door, making sure to stop it's impulse so the door wouldn't drive them all crazy for hours.  
  
~GW~  
  
Dinner was not their typical cliché meal: everyone was silent. Quatre was busy feeling guilty; Wufei was quietly fuming at both Quatre and Duo; Heero had gotten over his earlier episode; Trowa Barton couldn't even find himself behind his hair; and Duo was attempting to put all the day's events into some sort of order. Glancing around the table, Duo observed the sculpture of leftovers that Trowa had begun. Everyone else had lent a hand and now Wufei was busy writing notes in the salt pile on his plate.  
  
Duo thought he understood his friend's secret, but he had no idea what to do with it. Looking for something to do with his hands, Duo flipped his glass upside down, letting the last bit of water puddle on the table. He drew the rim of the glass back up, generating a 'plurping' sound, like on the pop-up videos. "Cool!" He continued enthusiastically getting into a rhythm that was doomed to be broken.  
  
"Stupid baka."  
  
"Ahh, my space heart!"  
  
"Duo?"  
  
"The pain, the hurting, the-" from where he had doubled over, Duo glanced up into Heero's questioning face. "What?"  
  
"I thought Quatre had the space heart."  
  
"Oh, right. Sorry about that, Q. Ow, my Spaceballs!"  
  
"I see that your schwarz is as *big* as mine."  
  
"I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes!"  
  
'Dink.'  
  
"Explain yourself, Maxwell."  
  
"Well, how many of us here are Japanese?"  
  
"One."  
  
"Yep. And how many people here were submersed in Japanese culture while they were growing up."  
  
"Well, *technically-*"  
  
"Ignoring *that* fact, how many of us should randomly be throwing Japanese words into everyday sentences? It's just plain annoying. That is why I've taken the liberty to create this list of words we should use."  
  
"Spanish? How is that better than Japanese?"  
  
"For one thing, before the Canadian invasion, the most popular language was Spanish."  
  
'So?'  
  
"You do realize, Duo, that you only wrote down swear words?"  
  
"What kind of adoquín do you think I am?"  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"Something clean if it wasn't on the list."  
  
"But I still don't see how speaking a mixture of Fijian and Spanish is any better than when it was Fijian and Japanese."  
  
"You speak Fijian, Q?"  
  
"Yeah, don't we all?"  
  
"Nope, this American speaks Russian only. How about you, Heero?"  
  
"Swahili."  
  
"Hindustani."  
  
'I've been signing the entire time.'  
  
"That makes sense."  
  
"Weird that we never noticed the difference before. Hey, I have an idea."  
  
"Shoot me now."  
  
"Te mataré."  
  
"Heero, you haven't even heard my idea yet!"  
  
"Which is why it would be better to shut you up now."  
  
"Anyways, ignoring the grump over there, I've been thinking -- don't say it -- and it occurs to me that since we didn't even know that we weren't speaking the same language, there has to be other stuff we don't know about each other."  
  
'We've been fine so far.'  
  
"Yes, but only fine. We're all friends here-"  
  
"We are?"  
  
"-and I figure now is as good a time as any to confess anything that we've been keeping secret." The words were directed at one person, who instantly understood the message.  
  
"We blow up stuff together. That's a bond. I, for one, feel very bonded at this point. I'd hate for *anything* to break that bond and force me to dismantle a certain black weapon sitting in my hanger."  
  
Duo glanced around the room to noticed the array of startled faces Quatre's outburst had produced. The others were becoming interested in what the blonde was hiding. Of course, Duo could just outright voice his findings, but this was way more fun. Besides, Quatre couldn't be the only one with interesting secrets. He pressed forward with his plan. "Why, Q, such threats! Weren't you the one who thought we should be a team. What kind of team are we when we can't trust each other?"  
  
"A team with five *living* members." Quatre now openly glared at Duo. It suddenly occurred to the braided pilot that if his suspicions were correct, the last threat could be carried out. He hoped the other's curiosity had been adequately provoked.  
  
"I hate to say it, but Maxwell's right."  
  
'I guess we could.'  
  
"It's agreed then, we *all* reveal something. Who's first?"  
  
Duo scanned the room for volunteers, wincing when Quatre kept muttering something under his breath, refusing to meet his eyes. "Whatcha say, Q?"  
  
"I said 'gringo.' "  
  
"No fair using my own Spanish idea against me!"  
  
"He's right, Winner. Calling him names won't fix anything. That's why there are scissors and sleeping pills that dissolve cleanly in a certain teammate's sodas."  
  
"Is the whole universe against me?"  
  
"Yes, now can we get on with this?"  
  
"Okay, Heero, you're first."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Cause you have the first number, duh!"  
  
"Don't we get alcohol with this game?"  
  
"But what's the fun in that?"  
  
"I'd say the alcohol."  
  
"Quit stalling and start talking. Everyone else is waiting."  
  
"Fine . . . the reason that I haven't kill Relena is because . . . she's blackmailing me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"But, what about all those time she told you to kill her?"  
  
"I said she was blackmailing me, not that she was good at it. She knows that I'm an ubour."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
'Basically, a vampire.'  
  
"Wow, creepy, in a cool sort of way! So when did it happen? How come you look normal and can go in the sun? What about the blood stuff?"  
  
"The first time after I self-destructed, my soul refused to leave my body; plastic surgery; don't believe all your Dracula movies."  
  
"Ah-huh, and what exactly happens when I do this?" Duo thrust his little golden cross towards Heero, letting it dangle in front of his teammate's face. He expected Heero to jump back, or even just a started gasp, what he got was Heero passively staring at him. "Her, no fair! I thought-"  
  
"What did I just tell you, Duo? It's not the cross itself that we fear, but the belief in them. You wear the cross, but it's not a symbol of any god, but a reminder of something else."  
  
"Oh," Duo dropped the chain in disappointment. "And the blood thing?"  
  
"Eww, just because one type of vampire does that doesn't mean we all do. My tastes lie . . . elsewhere."  
  
"So, what do you eat?"  
  
"Your turn."  
  
"But-"  
  
"No buts, *your* turn."  
  
"Fine. Here's the deal guys. I like fruit porn."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"It's fruit -- like you grow in your yard on a tree -- and it's porn. It's fruit porn."  
  
"So I tell you about my demonic nature, and you give us fruit porn?"  
  
"Well, I never said it had to be a deep secret."  
  
"Well, you could always tell them about your hair."  
  
"What's wrong with his hair, Winner?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
"Be quiet Duo, this is all your fault anyway. Go on Quatre. What's wrong with Duo's hair?"  
  
"Well, nothing that someone without twenty-nine sisters would notice, but there's more than one reason Duo is protective of his braid."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"Q, you wouldn't!"  
  
"Let's just say that Wufei could cut off Duo's braid right now, and he wouldn't ruin a strand of hair on Duo's head."  
  
"Interesting."  
  
"Lies! Lies!"  
  
'A weave.'  
  
"You said it, not me."  
  
"You are so evil, Q."  
  
"It's a gift."  
  
"Figure this out later you two. Now it's Trowa's turn."  
  
'I'm not really Trowa.'  
  
Instantly there were two guns, and a sword pointed at him. He sighed and idly flicked the blade away from his neck. 'Chill out you guys. Would I tell you if I was going to hurt you? Besides, you didn't seem to notice before.'  
  
"Name and objective."  
  
'I am an enchanter. There are some who call me Tim?'  
  
"Objective."  
  
'I was getting to that, sheesh. I don't really have an objective or anything, maybe to live, but that's about it.'  
  
"Explain."  
  
'Well, it's kinda embarrassing actually. I was dying -- I swear I only was trying to save myself -- and my soul got sucked though this time warp thing and then I just sorta got stuck inside this body of one of my descendants that was dying and floating aimlessly in space. Then I realized three things. I no longer had any powers, I had to match the kid's personality, and that it would take some time to access all this body's memories and skills. So I played up the amnesia thing and fortunately I never freaked out publicly. You guys found me and the pieces began to fall into place.'  
  
"Mierda! Will I ever suffer enough for my mistakes?"  
  
"Don't worry, Q. I'm sure you can afford the therapy to fix all this."  
  
"Therapy is not going to help. I forgot to make rice crispy treats! Now we don't have any left 'cause someone else finished the last batch."  
  
"And Tim?"  
  
"Did he eat the last of them and not make more?"  
  
'No.'  
  
"Then what do I care? Oh, right, the body thing . . . bummer."  
  
"Keep the therapy in mind, Q."  
  
"So where is our Barton?"  
  
'Well, he was dying, so maybe he passed on already. Then again, he could be stuck in my body. Sorry I can't tell you.'  
  
'Tim, this is great, you talk! Now I have someone to fill in that opening of best friend!"  
  
"How were you dying in your own time anyway?"  
  
'My roommate was strangling me.'  
  
"That's awful! Why?"  
  
'I wouldn't stop playing Hole on his computer and he snapped.'  
  
"Ugh, I take it back."  
  
"You're roommate sounds like a fair man."  
  
"I do hope you aren't going to try that here."  
  
"Yeah, besides, everyone knows that Courtney Love killed-"  
  
"We aren't going into that Duo."  
  
"But it's so obvious-"  
  
"No."  
  
'Which reminds me. Now I can finally say something that has been bugging me since I got here. Your technology es de la verga.'  
  
"But the-"  
  
"Yes, your weapons are awesome, but the rest of it hasn't improved since my time. I mean, there has been no new music-'  
  
"Blame the Eminem Incident."  
  
'-and people make *pink* limos. It's just so wrong. And then there's your gaming systems-' Trowa was interrupted by a buzzing noise from Heero's computer.  
  
"Perimeter breach. We have eleven bodies entering sector NW005."  
  
"Since when is my security system hooked up to your computer?"  
  
"Since Duo brought home that video game with Jade Blue Afterglow in it."  
  
"How was I supposed to know that the game would interface with our weapon systems, notify Oz of our location, and attempt to kill us all?"  
  
"You could've read the warning label."  
  
"Sure, get all technical on me."  
  
"Guys? We are kind of under attack here."  
  
"Only kinda under attack, not really though. Those little blinking dots have nothing to do with our eminent deaths."  
  
"Your satire during combat is noted, Duo. What else do we know about these people? Are they Oz soldiers or random ninjas?"  
  
"Close, Quatre. They're Oz soldiers disguised as random ninjas. They have new stealth equipment on. Only machines can see them until the equipment is destroyed, or the soldiers become unconscious somehow."  
  
'You can tell all that from staring at a computer screen, yet you guys don't even have anything decent beyond Playstation 2 or Dreamcast. What's wrong with this world?'  
  
"Somebody's lost it."  
  
"How'd they find us?"  
  
"They could've put tracers on us at any time."  
  
"They could've hired a psychic. Ms. Cleo has herself a nice little racket."  
  
'It could have something to do with a chipmunk. . . well it could. That is not an ordinary chipmunk ... 'tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on. It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a... look at the bones.'  
  
"Ni, it all could just be a plot hole."  
  
'Plot! What plot?'  
  
"Exitado!"  
  
"Heero, what are you doing?"  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm preparing for the invasion."  
  
"No! You can't do that!" Duo propelled himself forward, almost stumbling when he was trying to grab the guns while staying out of Heero's grasp. Through some miracle of a god he didn't believe in, the braided pilot managed to pry the gun from Heero's hand and lay it on the table.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because they don't know that we know they are here. If you make it obvious, we lose the advantage of surprise. Remember, I'm the stealth guy, I know these things."  
  
"But what if they know, we know, they don't know, I know, we never knew, they are here?"  
  
'Don't even start. That was old back in my day.'  
  
"Still, it's our best chance. Sit down and pretend to know nothing. Be like Wufei." Duo pushed Heero down into the nearest chair, trusting that Wufei's reaction would be enough of a distraction to finish his mission. Reaching into his braid, he found the object of his search. Before the other pilots could react, Duo had securely duct taped the Swahili-speaking boy to the chair. He paid special attention to securing Heero's hands and feet down. "I don't know about you guys, but I feel like a little 'ring and run and abandon Heero' over at Relena's house."  
  
"Culero, let me go! Do you want to die or something worse, because I can do that for you."  
  
"Don't worry about it. We've got it covered, right Q?"  
  
'I wonder who I will be in my next life? I was almost used to this body too. It's a shame to lose it so soon.'  
  
"I know Maxwell is going to come back as a rock."  
  
'We could always try something of our own.'  
  
"Like?"  
  
'We could blow them up with the holy hand grenade.'  
  
"How does it . . . er . . ."  
  
' "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." '  
  
"I'm confused."  
  
"What else is new? Enough with the games, let him go now."  
  
"No, and you can't make me!"  
  
"Want to bet?"  
  
"Enough! This arguing is solving nothing. Duo-"  
  
"A little late to talk sense into him, Quatre."  
  
"-I need a Skittle."  
  
"We're all going to die, and he wants to go on a sugar high."  
  
'Maybe he wants to come back as a chipmunk.'  
  
Ignoring the others, Duo was stuck in his own hell. He peered into the bag again. Only one candy left, a red one. He almost whimpered under Quatre's steady gaze before he finally offered the Skittle to the blonde. "You *so* owe me for this."  
  
Without a sound, glance, or hesitation, Quatre tossed the candy directly over his shoulder. Three jaws dropped as the boy stepped calmly to the side and the space where his body was standing was filled with a falling black-clad one. The figure didn't even have a chance to groan before it hit the floor. But the candy didn't stop there. Only Duo could keep up with the red streak that bounced off pans, appliances and walls, but everyone could see the result as, one by one, the bodies collapsed near doorways, fell from ceilings, or were caught behind someone. Soon, eleven men dressed as ninjas cluttered the floor.  
  
"That was great, Q! I knew you could do it!" Duo headed over towards where the slightly tattered Skittle lay. "Thirty second rule!" The dust was blown off the candy and Duo was happy to see that the food could be salvaged. He turned to find Quatre's foot coming at his face, flinching before he realized that the attack was not aimed at him. Another body could be heard slamming against the wall before the body became visible. Duo took the moment to survey the entire room while he finally got to eat the sugar filled snack. He shrugged at Quatre's perplexed face. "The red ones are the best. Mmm, sour. You know, we could make a bundle selling these. Obviously we wouldn't tell anyone how we *made* them, but still-"  
  
"Duo?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Er – never mind. Should we contact Sally about Heero, Trowa and Wufei? I don't think it's good to leave them in a state of shock like that."  
  
"Nah, they deserve it. So, how did you learn to kick butt like that? Are you like some secret weapon or something?"  
  
"Hardly. I was kinda a spoiled child, and when you have as many tantrums as I did, you develop good aim. I can effectively take out any target with any object, with deadly force if necessary, but I've never had to so far. I'm not even sure the scientists know."  
  
Duo could hear no intense pride in Quatre's voice, and yet the blonde seemed at peace with his ability. "And the round-house?"  
  
"Too many Matrix movies."  
  
"That'll do it. Well, if it's not some scientist scheme, why didn't you tell us?"  
  
"It's just a skill. It doesn't define who I am inside and I guess I just didn't want to be known for my physical abilities. Besides, it was fun knowing that I could kick all your butts and you didn't have the slightest clue."  
  
"So you got sick of the weakling stereotype and knew I was at the top of the gossip chain so it would spread faster."  
  
"Duo, you *are* the gossip chain. The rest of us ignore you."  
  
"Humph. I can't get too mad because you didn't tell them the truth about my hair."  
  
"I told the truth; they just jumped to conclusions."  
  
"Yeah, well, I guess we should pack up and move again."  
  
"You're right. These guys will be out for another twelve hours, but Oz could always send more."  
  
"So, we have about ten hours to get revenge on the three stooges over there. You did a number on them, Q! I don't think they have blinked or breathed since you knocked the first guy off the ceiling."  
  
"What are you suggesting? A typical TP and spray-painting spree, or something a little more wicked?"  
  
"Well, in honor of your 'coming out' party, I say we go for something a little more wicked; without the little."  
  
"By the way, you could've found a nicer way to tell them."  
  
"Yes, but then we wouldn't know about Heero's strange eating habits."  
  
"You don't even know what he eats yet. And the fruit porn? You could've told them the truth about that."  
  
"What?! I didn't lie about that. I think I have a saying about that or something, but that's not important. Besides, you're the one who gave the books that name."  
  
"Yeah, only because of the freaky covers."  
  
"And you wonder why I suggest more green in your wardrobe."  
  
"Humph. Do you want to know the plan or talk about my clothes?"  
  
Duo sighed, defeated -- this time. One of these days he would save his friend from the pink shirts that his sister Nicole sent him. But that would have to wait. For now, he would reek havoc with Quatre's plan. Even if revenge was not tasted immediately, Duo had to admit the scheme was worthy of Shinigami.  
  
~GW~   
  
They met back in the ruined kitchen six hours and nine minutes later. Duo glanced over to see the same smug face on Quatre as he himself wore. The hardest part would be waiting until the next mission, but neither would ruin a revenge so sweet by acting out of character any more than what was expected. They had packed for everyone and knew the location of their next safe house. All their needed was their fellow teammates.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"If that worked, Q, then they would've moved hours ago."  
  
"So how do we get them to snap out of it?"  
  
"Chang, bad news buddy. I ripped the tag that says 'do not remove' off your mattress. Now you are unworthy of any justice rants."  
  
"Tim, Courtney Love called. She wants to know if you'll play Playstation 9 with her."  
  
"Heero, Relena is here with a white dress. She's muttering something about an eternal afterlife with her one true love."  
  
"Nothing. Not even a flicker of emotion. Now what?"  
  
"I have just the thing!" Duo's hand clasped around the gun in his hair before finding the recorder he had been using earlier. He took a moment to rewind the message before answering Quatre's questioning eyes. "Just listen and learn from the master."  
  
A voice that was distinctly Wufei's filled the air. It only needed to dance on the edge of the frozen pilots ears before they snapped back to reality. Only a few verses could be heard through Duo's laugher.  
  
//I'll put up no resistance  
I want to stay the distance  
I've got an itch to scratch  
I need assistance  
Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me  
I wanna be dirty  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me  
Creature of the night  
  
Then if anything grows  
While you pose  
I'll oil you up  
And rub you down//  
  
"You think that's funny, Maxwell? Just wait until you see me do the 'Time Warp'."  
  
~GW~  
  
Fin de semana!  
  
~GW~  
  
Those question things . . .  
  
The Plot:  
Who are the mysterious new threat known only as The UP and what is their evil mission?  
The Pilots:  
Will Heero ever share his cooking secrets?  
Will Duo need to get a new hairdresser?  
Will Trowa escape back to his own time?  
Will Quatre be able to work with Yuen Wo Ping?  
Will Wufei be able to explain why his white pants turn red when they get wet?  
The Other Stuff:  
What was Quatre and Duo's revenge scheme?  
Why are their pictures stuck on the doors of the new safe house?  
How long can one game of Crazy 8's really last?  
How many times can a person apologize on just one mission?  
Do penguins and elephants really need shade in the middle of July during a scorching hot Midwestern summer?  
The SP:  
Will there be more fruit porn for Melanie?  
Will the pilots go running though cornfields for Candi?  
Will there be a food sculpting contest for Cindy?  
Will Heather leave my body recognizable if I make bad Sailor Moon and Anne Rice jokes?  
For the Rubber Room:  
Is the programming reversible so that I can be able to read anything that's not a 4x1/1x4 without getting Eve 6's "Showerhead" stuck in my head?  
Will I even bother actually writing a sequel?  
Why would you bother reading the second story when you've just read this?  
Have I asked enough questions yet?  
Does this shameless plug have enough to do with nothing?  
  
Find out (or not) when the pilots visit a small town zoo in Ahh! Don't Squish that Bug. 


End file.
